The world complete

As this years draws to a close I find myself thinking of friends and family, of changes and growth, of love and sadness. It is through the passage of every day, handling the situations that come before us, loving our partners through the thick and thin of things, trying to deal with all things with grace that we create who we are.

We need to live inside of our lives, accepting each moment, embracing each joy and learning about the truth inside of ourselves, who we are...

I wonder how we can feel so alone when we are loved, how we can feel so isolated when we hold another body so close, why we put ourselves through the anguish of despair.

I was in the hospital 2 times in the past 2 weeks and I felt so alone but I knew it was my meds, my feeling of needing comfort and my want for a soul to be completely focused on me. It wasn't worth talking to my significant other about as these needs were within me and I knew it...

I worry when that ennui starts to happen in my life, in my relationship, that I will look for a change when it is just a new feeling that I need. I am worried that my partner is feeling that and will make major decisions that will affect our lives when all it is is taking a few special moments to make each other feel loved again.

Why do we wait for the cliff in front of us before we start to work on changing the direction, the path we are on? Why not plant the flowers, sends the cards and give the kisses and the touches that create an environment of love and contentment?

Hello Body, it is me...

I turned 45 and knew that I needed to add “movement” into my life. I do not want to call it exercise as that is a “negative” word in my vocabulary. I know just even my health will improve if I include some moments of “movement” into everyday. I decided to start my work out plan by going to a boutique workout called “The Dailey Method”. It combines ballet barre work, core conditioning, stretching and orthopedic exercises until 1 hour of torture, oh, I mean workout. The one hour class effectively strengthens tones and lengthens the entire body. Light weights are utilized to define the upper body while mat and ballet barre work targets the thighs, seat and abdominals.

Now I am an average to full size woman who everyday reminds herself that I chose to be a professional corporate team player, a road warrior over focusing on my body. I now know that I didn’t have to choose but could have had both. I practice loving myself by giving the pep talk in the mirror so my confident me can go out every day and be seen.

Here starts my story of a new relationship, rocky but sweet. It is how I started to get re-introduced to my body, one sore muscle at a time. It is funny that yes, we inhabit our bodies for the course of our lives, but we lose that magic connection that children have with the body, the sense of wonderment about all that the body can do. As I started on this journey, I found that there were things that look relatively simple that I could not do, like reaching for my toes, or keeping my leg straight at the bar or even laying on the floor on my elbows. These movements were challenging and discouraging to me. I found that my range of motion had decreased alarmingly, my strength was considerably less than I expected and my ability to perspire profusely intact.

I am day 6 on this journey and yet I cannot imagine going back to where this was not in my life. I am only able to go on Fridays and Saturdays at the moment but I have also incorporated the treadmill on 2 other days during the week. This new me and my love affair of “movement” has changed my life. I look at food now as if it is worth it to eat, given that I will be dealing with the challenge of taking it off. I love the feeling of walking and feeling that little muscle in my abdomen, or on my arm, feel sore yet feel alive.

I can see my flexibility coming back to me and I can see changes. Have I lost 50 pounds? No. Have I had people stop and tell me that I look wonderful? No. But what has happened is that I look at myself different in the mirror, I feel different as I walk. I know it has to do with me, my very intimate relationship with my body and finding a place that has allowed me to re-introduce myself in a way that is non-threatening. I choose me, all of me, as I re-discover my abilities. If I can do it, then I know that anyone can.

My world, my choices, my love...

It is a few days away from both my trip and my loves...we will be just a few states away, dealing with our families and all the love and all the trauma that they give.  We will be eating wonderful food, sharing laughter with the people from our lives, re-connecting with the past...While we are apart, I know that I will be wondering if everything is ok, if she is thinking of me and if she misses me as much as I do her.  I know that we are in for a rocky road as she is so worried that in the 5 days when she is gone if there is any possibility of her losing me...How do I say no, how do I tell her that I am crazy about her and it will be 5 long days but I know who I am coming home to...

How do you convince someone whose heart has been broken before that the same future she sees is the same future that I see?

My world, my tomorrow

As the festive season starts, many trips are planned, many functions attended, many gifts exchanged, have we taken a moment to tell the people in our lives how important they are to us?  Do we look in the eyes of our loved ones, no matter whether it is intimate acquaintances or just those on the periphery of our lives, and tell them how much they matter?

I know that the journey that I am is completely my journey but I do have passengers that I carry along, whether it is for a moment, a passage of time or for my lifetime.  I share the voyage on the ocean of life with each and everyone of you.  You are my school classmates, my work mates, my barista at my favorite coffee shop...you are my friends, my social circle, my posse no matter where I go, you are my family, my loved ones, my cousins, my brother, my sister, my mother and father.  You all come with me on this journey.  Sometimes we are singing holding hands and other times you are on your side of the road and I am here, the space is hard to reach over...

Is there ever anything that is so hard that love cannot overcome?  Anything that we would choose our pride or our beliefs over the love of each other?  I hope not, because to allow that to happen between each one of us means that we are opened to having that happen to ourselves.  I believe that the bible says it best when it says Love endures all things, love understands all things...I want always to choose on the side of love...what side will you choose?

My world, My losses

As the year draws to a close, in these final weeks...I am moved to pause and reflect upon the gifts that I have been given in the form of friendships and the pathways that they have taken.  I have given my friendship and have lost people that have left their special unique imprint on my life.

My Aunt, Gertrude, older sister to my mother...I remember her always trying to pinch my cheek and hating have to see her cuz I knew that it would hurt.  I remember her as full of laughter and the giggles.  She was the silly aunt...I have a memory of her staying at our house and as we were having church she came downstairs and wanted to get some water to drink (I think she wanted to see the service but did not know how to ask) and interupted it...I still smile as I think of her.  I have few memories of her as I got older as we lived very far away and did not see each other or correspond.  I could have been a better niece, my mother would call her and she would tell me all the latest about my aunt, what she said and how happy she was that my mother called.  I guess I thought knowing that from a 3rd party made a relationship...I could have done more, I now know that

...Tom Dillon was one of those men.  He had a wonderful baritone voice (he should, as he was an announcer for the Cardinals as well as the ASU team).  He was always so quick to smile and to laugh.  I spent many mornings walking with his wife, Bonnie, and thru her, I was able to meet and know this special man.  I saw the care that he took with his wife and the way his arms were always open for a hug.  I remember one day asking him for a favor for myself and a friend and he jumped at the chance to help me...

He love to fly and watching him in his plane was magical, he played the plane as a maestro, as a master of it, creating a orchestra of up drafts, of leveling, of freedom.  I asked if he would take me and a friend to Sedona for breakfast and I would buy him breakfast so we could experience that moment.  He did not hesitate to say yes, and off we went.  What an incredible morning we had learning about planes, watching him create the beautiful rhythm between man and plane, seeing our incredible state from 10,000 feet up.

I watched him sing at his wife's mother funereal...his voice somber and yet full of love, he was truly a Renaissance man.  Later that same morning, he stood Bonnie and was her silent support, I saw how she would look at him and how he would at her, you just knew even in pain they were together in this journey.  She has lost the love of her life and I have lost a dear friend.  You are missed Tom!

During this year I have had friends move away to new adventures and unknown charters.  People who I thought would always be around...They have seen me through many years and through some hard times, they always had a dinner or a glass of wine to handle the stress.  I will miss you Dr. C (I went to her Doctorate Graduation last January) and Lynne.  They have moved back to San Diego, where their heart has always been.  AZ loss is CA gain...

Another set of friends are moving East to Wash D.C. to climb the FBI ladder...Lynn will loved in DC as she was loved her...Her easy smile and her warmth will gain you many friends.  Lisa will enjoy all the beauty of DC...I have spent many night crying into their shoulders as well as celebrating incredible things with them.  They leave a huge whole in my heart...

There are others who have shimmered in and shimmered out of my life, they have all left me a gift in our shared journey.  Thank you for your sweet smiles, your open arms in friendship and the time that we were able to share our moments...They truly are all a part of my World and my losses...

My World, My questions

Are we ever truly happy?  Do you think that we create chaos so that we have a touch stone of happiness? I don't.  Can we truly deeply love people, a singular person, with a complete heart, find the magic and still have issues?  I think so.  Can we love someone and it is not enough?  I am wondering about that.  

How does the rest of the world handle new relationships, new situations, all the while tolerating the exes and the baggage that they bring?  I am thinking it is easier to have a completely clean break, change out all your friends and start from the very beginning all over, then try to juggle through all the chaos that it brings.  I made a mistake in that I mistook a conversation for a time when I should have been listening and validating.  We all bring to our current relationships baggage from the last ones, even from our early ones....it is interesting trying to sort through the your and mine of the baggage to get through to the real core of who we are as people.  Will I leave my relationship?  No...Do I love deeply?  Yes! Is there anything to be afraid for?  No, but how do you convince someone when they have been so hurt before?  It is by time, by love, by staying the course and having them realize that I am not going anywhere, no matter how much they push...

I want to get to the secure place, where no one ever has to wonder, Is there that place, ever????

The world and the 12 months

Funny as I get to the end of this year of 2008, I have a chance to reflect on all the changes and incredible moments that I have been through.  I have had some stressful things happen to me, changing jobs, moving, and some incredible thing like finding myself and finding unexpected love.  I have laughed like there is no tomorrow at silly things (Jane..."Are you *&^%-ing drunk or sumpting?"), cried without comfort over loss, spent days in bed in love, never wanting to move.  I have looked deep in the soul of someone and have fallen head first into a place that I only dreamed existed.  I have written poetry my whole life, singing the praises of what my love would be like and then it shows up, smack dab in my life.

It is a miracle that love, slithers in, under the walls that we have all built, over the ruins of past relationships, through the dampness of tears and beyond the heat of anger, into the tropical oasis of our hearts.  We instantly recognize them for who they are in our life, because our hearts have allowed them access to that hallowed space.

I know for a fact it was a joy that captured me, a feeling that I haven't been that excited for a long time about anyone.  It was an anticipation for a phone call or the next email that captivated me.  It was the unfolding of a treasure, both my heart and her heart.  It was the ability to talk for hours into the night and not be tired the next day...it was a thirst that couldn't be quenched.

I still have that thirst, even though we spend hours together, I still have that ache for more, even though I know that I am full...This love is my greatest gift of this year, actually, it has been my whole life waiting for this moment.  I treasure each moment that I am gifted with, knowing that my heart has found its home...